A Crown of Beauty Instead of Ashes

A 10-year Journey to a Worship CD

2011-10-20T09:47:00.000-07:00

In 2004 I finished my CD 'A Quiet Mind', set down my guitar, and vowed to never make another CD again and to be done with music. Friends and family were surprised that just as I finished the project, I had no desire to promote it or get it out there. I was done.

Some History
In 2001, I picked up the guitar for the first time and decided I wanted to learn how to play. What better way than to teach yourself - NOT. I did take lessons from a few people that taught me some things I still hold onto today, but for the most part, I didn't have the patience - I had songs in me that needed to get out. So off I went, teaching myself.

I knew that God wanted to use me musically, He told me. But something that I didn't know about God is that sometimes He speaks and tells you about something that 1). is going to happen in the future; and 2). He, not you, is going to do in and through you. Like so many before me, we hear a specific calling and immediately start running with it, trying to make it happen on our own. Not realizing that 1). anything we try to create on our own isn't from Him, and 2). that it's also not the only calling or "anointing" that He has placed over our life - it's only one aspect. Too many of us, of which I am so guilty of, pigeon hole ourselves into a little pit that we create instead of allowing God to give us the mountain, our Promised Land, that He already set in the future for us. Yes, we can miss our calling, but God, in His infinite Love and Wisdom is always helping us along the way, redirecting us, as a shepherd does with his rod, gently pointing us in the direction we most go - but only when we are seeking Him and asking Him to show us - He will never force Himself on you and if you choose to walk in the opposite direction, He rarely intervenes. But He can make your life a living hell:) Just ask Jonah:) And there too is your reason: Our calling is not about us. No, it is about His Kingdom - furthering His Kingdom. There are lives to be saved and changed and each person, YOU, me, have a specific gift and anointing that no one else has. We are all unique.

Well, and there I got completely off track. I didn't intend to write the majority of that last paragraph but you know, I like to let Holy Spirit speak through me however He chooses. Moving on...

Ready to Fulfill My Calling....In My Own Strength
So with a few songs under my belt (maybe knew 4 chords) and the calling that I knew God had placed over me, I set out to save the world - one song at a time. I even mustered up enough songs to do an album. At that time, God blessed me with an amazing friend and musician, Gary Salyers (SoniCanvas Recording) that did my first album. It was a lot of fun and we reached a lot of people - just as God intended. But then the secular world filtered in. Well meaning Christians in the industry basically said it would never market cause it just wasn't the sound - it wasn't poppy enough...blah blah blah. But onward I continued, knowing the calling that God placed on my life. I was anointed (insert snicker)!

In 2004, Gary and I started my next album, which honestly sounds secular (the intent). Most people thought I was talking about a boyfriend and were confused cause I was now married. Lesson #1: things are not always what they seem, and #2: songs that are written come from life history - not necessarily the past year. So now you know:). Moving on...the problem with this CD? It was an angry letter to God (not all, but most). Where was this calling? I thought I was anointed. I thought I was going to be something! I thought I was going to be FAMOUS! There you have it: SELF! FLESH! ME! ME! ME! It was no longer about the Kingdom - it was about me. My confession. And oh, did it make me sick. I was consumed. And I hated everything that I had become. So I quit. I was done. I heard God wrong. I had forgotten my first love.

End of 2004-end of 2006 I spiraled downhill - all I can say is "self-destructive gasoline."

To Play or Not to Play: Not!
In 2007 I got my life back in order and worked hard on my marriage. I praise God for such an amazing husband that He gave me in Sid. He truly is the Father's Love in human form. By mid 2007 I even picked up the guitar again. And to truly start with new beginnings, I bought myself a nice Taylor. I don't know what had happened, but taking a long hiatus had changed my writing and playing styles. It was like I suddenly learned how to write a song. This time they weren't forced. I just wrote and wrote and wrote and sang like I had never sung before. They were secular songs, but they were what was in my heart at the time. I wrote songs about childhood, babies, my husband, past hurts, and then a song about my first love. I recorded 5 songs, this time with a new producer that I had randomly come upon through another music engineer and he did AMAZING work! Blew me away! This was it....maybe I was never meant to be a Christian musician...maybe just a musician...and then I got pregnant. HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE (of course we've had happier since then). But there was still a pang...a pulling in my heart. I had heard wrong again. Time to wrap up all my dreams and passions and settle down...I was going to have a family. Once again, I put my guitar in its case, and there it stayed. :(

Answered Prayer
Fast forward to Sept. 2010- I had been singing at church again, but just a little bit - I honestly wasn't one of the needed ones or the favorites - and that caused a lot of pain in my heart, but I understood, I had missed my calling. I had abused my calling by trying to turn it into fame. I understood why God didn't want to use me and why my voice repulsed some people (yes, it's true). So, I've been a mom for almost 2 years, I even had just had another one:) And I was really thinking that I would never do more than singing in church - which I was ok with, but there was an emptiness...there was a part of me that wanted to lead worship. I didn't just want to be a singer, I wanted to lead people into His Presence (I've obviously grown a little since my previous attempts at singing). But regardless, I knew I would never be accepted as a worship leader at my own church.

Anyways, that September, one night I prayed to God asking Him to send me something, anything to show me that He could still use me for His Glory and not my own. The next day I got an email from one of our Youth Minister's. The youth girls were having a retreat in January and she felt pressed after praying to ask me. WHOA! Answered prayer!!! The theme of the conference was based off of 2 Timothy 1:6 "Fan into flame the gift of God." I was so excited!!! I had four months to prepare, and prepare I did!!!

Fan Into Flame Your Gift From God
The conference came and went - it was a beautiful success and then it was over. A few weeks later (mid-February), I felt a pulling to get out my pen and paper along with my guitar. There I wrote Sweet King. The LORD had a specific purpose for that song - it was to be a communion song for a retreat coming up in April. But He had more than that in mind. As I sat, thinking about the song and how easily it flowed through me, the LORD gently whispered, "that girls' retreat I had you do wasn't about what you could do for me or for them, it was about you." "What do you mean?" I replied. Now when I say that me and God are speaking back and forth, please understand, this is not audibly. This is Spirit to spirit communication (although He could and sometimes does speak audibly to people - which I think might be kind of scary). Anyways, after I asked Him that He responded, "the whole point of this retreat was to kindle anew the flame that I placed in you - you know you have a musical gift - and I have put a new song in your mouth and in your soul - I want you to sing for Me, only for Me, I want you to lead people in true worship - worship in Spirit." Then He continued, "your anointing only flows when you are using your talents to worship and glorify Me - sing for Me, and I will not remove your anointing again." "Ok, so what do you want me to do?" I asked Him. "I want you to work on an album, recording will begin in September of this year (that seems to be His favorite month with me - also my birth month), and I want all the proceeds to benefit Redeemed Ministries."

Provision For The Vision
So kindled afresh, my pen began to write. Song after song my husband and I were blown away. I'd play him a new song and he'd look at me and say, 'you just wrote that? Wow!" We were amazed at the songs that were coming out. Honestly, when God told me that recording wouldn't begin until September, I thought that it was because I needed those months to write. Nope. I had written a CD's worth of songs by June! Maybe even before. So when I began to ask Him who He wanted me to record with, He clearly told me Troy (Absolute Sound Studios). "Well, then you're going to have to foot this bill God cause that's gonna cost a lot of money!!" I told Him. I then told Him that while I wanted to go with Troy because I loved his work and that he always had great vision with any song I gave him, we could also go with Gary who does equally amazing but different work and that he would be free. Then God said, "how will you ever trust me to do anything in your life if you won't trust me to provide for a simple CD?" Ouch....He was right. I then heard later from Woody Woodson, one of my favorite pastors that "If God orders it, He pays for it!" HA! I love that!!! So, one morning, as I sat communing with the LORD, He took me to Proverbs 19:12 where He told me that "His favor is like dew on the grass." What does that mean? You might ask. He was telling me that I would have to trust Him each step of the way with this CD. It wasn't going to be a freebee and it wasn't going to get taken care of all at once. Little by little, day by day, I would have to trust Him in the leading and provision of this CD.

Since I knew that I had confirmation from God that He wanted me to go with Troy, I contacted him and we made plans to hook up in the summer. No matter what, our schedules never worked (remember how I told you that He said "September"?). One day in August he called me and said he was ready and able to make a schedule in two weeks. So I told him I could do two weeks that Thursday and guess what that day happened to be:) You guessed it, September 1st:) Not a day too soon nor later! So we set the schedule and I just trusted that God would provide - though He hadn't yet. Later on that day, Sid got home hot, sweaty, and stressed out. In the heat of the day in August, his car A/C went out. WOW! A few days later and $2,000 out of savings, we were wondering if we heard God wrong in regards to the CD. But we pressed on.

The beginning of the week that we were set to record, an awesome musician acquaintance that records and produces and has connections with some big names in the Christian music industry approached me and said, "I really like your music and I want to work with you!" I knew that I probably would not have to pay and if I did it would be minimal. I said I'd give them a call. As Sid and I talked about it and agreed that it could be the answer to our prayer we decided to sit on it and pray more. On Wednesday, the day before I was set to record with Troy, God reminded me, I will provide the dew daily, like manna, and you will depend on me. There I knew that this friend was not the answer but an attempt to sway (unbeknownst to my friend). So we pressed on, even though that evening we still hadn't received any provision for CD.

The morning that I am set to record was finally here and I wake up to a text message from Sid saying, "I just got a $1,000 cash bonus, so there is your first song!" WOW! Look at that! ON THE DAY!!! Oh me of little faith! Even cooler! Later on that evening, a dear brother in Christ stopped by and handed me an envelope saying, "I hope this blesses you!" I opened the envelope and was stunned to find a check with about half the costs of the CD!!!! WHOA!! Floored again!! YES! That is my God!!!! And yes Woody Woodson...I can agree with you with fact that "if He orders it, He pays for it!"

A Broken Vow Later
So there you have it, 10 years later God is having me break a vow that I never should have made. I don't know what He will do with it, and quite frankly I don't care what He does with it - as long as He is worshiped, glorified and praised, and it brings people to Jesus - that is all that matters!

So pray for me, please. Pray that I remain humble and submitted to Him only. Pray for continued provision for the CD, we are halfway there thanks to that amazing servant and brother in Christ. Pray for vision for me and all those involved in bringing the album to fruition. Pray that our instruments and bodies solely honor Him, the KING!!!

I love you! Thanks for sticking with me through this long update. It's been on me for 10 years:)
Blessings;)
Mindy

Why I Love Valentines Day!

2010-12-31T12:41:00.000-08:00

When I was in elementary and middle school, I didn't mind that I wasn't the girl that received all the Valentine Carnation flowers from various secret admirers (ok maybe I minded a little bit), I just hoped that I'd get at least one flower, one chocolate box, or one secret admirer note. But no. Only those receieved were from my fellow boy hungry friends who were left hanging in the pink and red glittery dust of all the prettier, more popular girls. But every year I held out hope. You see, Valentine's Day has ALWAYS been my favorite holiday!!!

A Pink and Red Trail of Heartache
My first sad memory of Valentine's Day was the night before fifth grade. I had just completed my most beautiful Valentine's box yet. Ya know, the ones we made in elementary school so that people could give you a valentine? Anyways, something horrible happened that night that I am not at liberty to share (so don't ask), resulting in my box being crushed, stained, and ruined. After all these years I still remember. Sadly, I've always been a hopeless romantic, even at the young age of 10. I thought that meant that my secret admirer would not have a place to put my valentine revealing his undying love for me. All, at the tender age of 10. Sad. I know:)

Further in my young life, after two years of secretly harboring intense feelings for an unrequieted love, my dreams came true and he finally noticed me and we started "going out." Whatever that means. It was ninth grade and I finally had the man of my dreams. Or so I thought. But things never do turn out as they seem, do they? So come February, amidst all the planning for the Red and White dance to be held the weekend of Valentine's Day, my unrequieted love tells me that he doesn't want to go to the dance. No explanation. Just didn't want to go. Stab to the heart. Ok. So he doesn't like dances. Nothing is wrong. Everything will be ok. Later on that night, when I phoned his house, his little brother answered and told me that he had gone to the dance with someone else. Heart rips out and I stomp on it. He didn't even go to my high school and neither did she. WoW. I was broken. So yeah...we broke up. Another bad Valentine's Day. I don't even think I went to school that day...just stayed in bed.

So without boring you with countless more sad Valentine stories, I am happy to say that my first awesome Valentine's day was shared with Sid, my fiancee, and now husband:) And, as a Valentine gift, we found out on Valentine's Day 2008 that we were pregnant. Matter of fact, in the past 8 years that we've been together, we haven't had a bad one:) So what does this mean? I love Valentine's Day because it finally worked out in the end? Not by a long shot.

Why the Valentine's Day Craze?
What does Valentine's Day mean to most girls of all ages? Love. Hope. Flowers. Candy. Why? If you don't know the history of Valentine's Day you can view it here. But is that really why all the craze? Have the media and shopping malls really brain-washed us into buying into this whole love thing? Or is it something else? Something entirely different. Something sacred.

The heart of every woman, girl, child, is being pursued relentlessly by something and someone much bigger and better than any Valentine box, Carnation flower, or Jared commercial. And while she may not be consciously aware of it, her spirit is. And deep down inside she longs to be pursued, longs to be wanted, and longs to be found.

God is pursuing us! This past Valentine's Day 2010, I attended HeartQuest where God solidified Himself to me as the Lover of my Soul. I renewed my commitment to Him as a daughter of a Mighty King! Let me tell you, He sure made this girl feel special on her most favorite holiday.

God is a romantic, friends. If he isn't, then why did he begin the royal line of his people with the wedding of Adam and Eve and then end His royal line with the return of Christ, the Bridegroom, to claim his Bride? Would you laugh at me if I told you that when I was younger and much more ignorant of the scriptures that I hoped that the Bride would be me:) HAHAHA!!! Well, my wish would come true, of course! Because as believers, we are His Bride. But funny side fact.

So How Will I Teach Valentine's Day to My Children?
God has shown me how I am to share Valentine's Day with Vivian. Every Valentine's Day, for her first 18 years, she will receive a James Avery Charm with an inscription. I will buy the charm, that Holy SPirit helps me pick out and God will provide me with the inscription. At the start of the year I start praying to Him to send me a love letter to give to her. Last Valentine's Day she got this charm:
With the inscription SS 8:6-7, which is the following scripture:
"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot sweep it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of one's house away for love,
it would be utterly scourned."
~Song of Solomon 8:6-7

This was not a scripture that I found and had inscribed. This scripture was placed on my heart and given to me and the Spirit was in agreement with me that this was His letter to her. Isn't it amazing that the first charm Holy Spirit helped me choose simply is a heart that says, "Be Mine." And then, the scripture He chooses is instructing Vivian to place a seal over her heart, to protect her heart, what is sacred, and save it for Him. If she will give Him her heart first, He can guard it, hone it, and protect it until the such time that He is ready for her to give it away to the one man He has destined her for. I love how deliberate and amazing Father is. Such a romantic!!!

So I LOVE Valentine's Day! It's a day to remember the Lover of my Soul!!! My KING!!! And how special to raise Vivian not to look longingly at boys and men to fill the heart-sized space in her heart that only Christ is able to fill!!!

With Love, Glitter, & Carnations,
Mindy

P.S. Oh and...if you were wondering...I have one special childhood memory of Valentine's Day. My dad and his girlfriend Sara picked me up from a Valentine's party in seventh grade and then we went to drop Sara off. After we pulled out of her driveway, I asked my dad, "Why don't you ask her to marry you?" He said, "I already did." And what a blessing my step-mother Sara has been to me. I guess you could say...she was a Valentine gift.

The Monster Within: Postpartum Blues and Hormones Gone Awry

2010-10-31T09:42:00.000-07:00

The Monster Within

Instead of worrying about protecting my two-year old daughter and eight week old son from the ghouls and ghosts that would be making their way out this past Halloween, there was a war inside being waged against the monster that was beginning to emerge. Not again, I began to plea with God, I can't go through all those hormonal rages again!

When you find yourself pleading with God to not let you harm your children, red flags start to arise. This time I was prepared, and thankfully so was my husband. As my husband began trying to decide if he needed to kick me out or send me somewhere, I lay in bed searching the internet for unusual side effects of NuvaRing. My findings astonished me. Apparently, anger, depression and anxiety are more common side effects than the product makers let on.

About two days after starting NuvaRing, a change began to take place. Suddenly my patience went on vacation and the short-tempered, rage-filled monster that I suffered post-partum from my daughter came back from the dead. I thought I dealt with these demons! Why have they returned? I try not to give too much credit to the enemy. I know that he cannot control my hormones, however, he knows how to use my hormones; and to his advantage!

Breaking the Postpartum Silence

I'm breaking my silence. Not for my own benefit, but for the potential benefit of another mother out there who is locked inside her own head, that feels caged and that no one else will understand what she is going through. For the mother who is afraid to open her mouth for fear that everyone will think that she is crazy, take away her children, lock her up, and throw away the key. You are not alone.

Postpartum depression with my daughter led me through the deepest darkest pit that I didn't even know existed - and I have struggled with alcoholism and drug addiction! Nothing compares to the hormonal shifts and imbalances! Most of the time, you don't even know what is happening to you, and that is what makes it worse. I became a prisoner in my own mind and I felt alone. Very alone. I thought that because I was a good Christian, a sober person, a person that had a beautiful daughter and supportive husband that surely I would not go through the PP Blues. I was wrong, and my silence nearly cost me my life; maybe even my daughter's life.

A Warrior in White

I had not truly realized the struggle I was up against until after a weekend of full submission and crying out to God. We were trying to get Vivi to sleep in her own bed so we chose a weekend and that weekend Vivi and I stayed in her room. As she slept, I read Beth Moore's Get Out Of That Pit, read and memorized scripture and began praying. Thursday night was the beginning and on Friday during the day I was feeling hopeful. Friday night was another night, and it was then that I started to see the true spiritual warfare that I had only read about in the Bible and in stories from Third World countries. The whole day Saturday, my body was exhausted. I was mentally and physically spent. So much that it was hard to even breath. I could feel the weight of the demons that I had allowed back into my life and they were clinging hard to me. They were not going to let go without a fight. And a fight, indeed, they got. But Saturday night, after several days and nights of prayer, my Warrior showed up. Dressed in all white, eyes ablaze, and a Sword bigger than I could recount. At His arrival, the demons scattered. He bent down to hold me and whispered, "REST my child, enter MY Rest." At that moment, the chains were released. He had set me free from my strongest stronghold yet, but there would still be work. Work yes, but only after He could release the bonds that held me captive. All this, while my daughter slept peacefully.

Oh The Voices

It wasn't until a few days later that I noticed something that sent a chill shaking violently through my body. I was folding clothes in our laundry room and I noticed how quiet it was. The voices that had haunted me for the past six months were gone. I never even knew they were there until they were gone. These were voices, in my voice of course, that told me over and over what a bad mother and bad wife that I was. These were the voices that tried to make me sympathize with the likes of Andrea Yates and others like her. These were the voices that made me not want to be around my daughter, but when I would drop her off at my mothers and go back home, I couldn't stay there alone because something creeped me out. I would end up going back to my mother's house. These were the voices that made me hate myself and want to die. Those voices, it was those voices that were gone. I had been released by The Blood. By finally taking my thoughts captive, tearing down any strongholds and thoughts that set themselves up against the Word of God, and by submitting them to Christ (1 Corinthians 10:4-5). I was free. Now what was I going to do with it?

I'm still a work in progress, and I have to watch my moods, thoughts, and tempers. This time around I have learned to take EVERYTHING to God. I don't depend first on medicine or talking to others. I talk with Him first, and if Holy Spirit leads me to talking with someone else or getting on medication again then I will. But for now, He has led me to His Word, given me the support of my family, a few special friends, and my guitar to sing His praises. So I am ok. Each new day is a gift; one that I hope to never take for granted again.

Blessings and Love,
Princess Priest to a Mighty King and Warrior,
Mindy

Update - Sid's Birth, Vivi's Birthday, and more than you will ever want to know about Breastfeeding:)

2010-10-06T13:09:00.000-07:00

Probably more than you'll ever want to know on me, my kiddos, and motherhood. Oh yeah, and Sid too:)

Sid, Vivi, and myself are settling in to having a new little one around. So far, it's not as hard as I had expected it to be (but I don't know what I really even expected). I've had some interesting moments where my faith has been tested & surprisingly I didn't respond negatively or fearfully as I would have done in the past. I feel like I have grown so much in my faith in the past few weeks and have been amazed at how I have seen Father work in such small ways that are huge to me.

THE BIRTH
Holy Spirit made His Presence known at Sid Jr.'s birth & He also revealed to the doctor that delivered Sid Jr. (doc on call) that He wanted my best friend Mollie in the delivery room, which was already maxed out with Sid Sr., my sister, & my mom. I wish you could have seen the look on the doctor's face when she told us to have Mollie come back in the room. It was as if she knew something that we didn't. All throughout the labor we had Gateway praise music in the background and when Sid Jr. decided to poke his head out and take his first breath, there was one word being repeated in a song, it was a name being sung over and over - JESUS. What a blessing to know that the first word breathed into my son's lungs was Jesus. Praise Him.

Other amazing stuff happened as well. The nurse who helped in the delivery came to my room on the second morning of my stay and brought me a cupcake. She explained that she was a Christian and that the whole experience of the delivery, with the praise music, Mollie telling her that she had been praying for her all day (since she was my nurse), and our prayer with anointing oil right before I began pushing, all had an impact on her. She had been waiting on God for an answer and felt like she got her answer through her experience with us. It was such a blessing hearing from her. We both shared tears and a hug;-) God sure is amazing.

IT'S BEEN 2 YEARS!
So, two years ago tomorrow I became a mother to an 8lb 14.5 oz baby girl who is now almost 3 feet tall and weighs in at about 32 lbs. She is tall, beautiful, and has the personality of a flower in a tornado (what her father called me on our wedding day). Needless to say, she is just like me and that scares me to DEATH!!

MOTHERHOOD
On many days, I feel like a good mother, on most days, the enemy of my soul reminds me of all my failures and mishaps and does everything he can to make me feel like a bad mother. These past two years have been a learning lesson in choosing which voice I would listen to - Holy Spirit, who is my Friend, Comforter, Counselor, and Companion, or my enemy, who is constantly seeking to destroy me. Most of the time I hear Holy Spirit and I choose to not let myself get down, but somedays, I just don't feel strong enough to stand against the wiles of the evil one.

I can't say that I thought this bringing baby home experience would be the same but I did think it would be somewhat similar. I was wrong. Everything from breastfeeding to sleep deprivation to poopie diapers have been different. For the record: GIRLS ARE EASIER!

BREASTFEEDING (CENSURED - MOTHERS AND WOMEN ALIKE READ THIS SECTION FOR HUMOR - DON'T READ IF YOU ARE MALE OR IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN THE MORE COMICAL SIDE OF MOTHERHOOD - THE KIND NO ONE REALLY TELLS YOU ABOUT!)
If I were to rate my children's personality type on the way they breastfed, Vivi would be Type A and Sid Jr. would be an F (is that even a personality type?). Vivi was a pro! She latched on immediately and the rest was history. Sid Jr. however is the reason that formula and bottles were invented. He is what is known in the breastfeeding mothers world as a CHOMPER and a GRAZER. Because of his unhealthy ways (at least to mommy) he has drawn blood and given a whole new meaning to strawberry breastmilk. I assure you, there is nothing more shocking than looking down at the milk you are pumping only to see dark pink colored milk - YUCK!!! On the grazing side, Jr. likes to take his time. If he had his way, he'd have a boob in his mouth at all times and he would suckle at will and sleep at will. He has two bad habits that are currently keeping me from breastfeeding in public (covered of course): 1) he likes to get a mouth full of milk, as full as possible, and the he likes to open his mouth and let it all spill out down my stomach (nice huh?), 2) he has perfected latching on, getting my milk to let down, and then conveniently pops off just in time to have my milk spewing in his face! There is even one duct pointed upwards so that I get sprayed in the face! Are you kidding me??? Needless to say, I smell like sour milk on most days and am considering the chick-fil-A cow costume for Halloween. Ok, I've shared enough gross stuff for now. I could go on and on....and on.

NUTSHELL
Life is good. On somedays I don't like my husband but then I try to imagine life without him and am reminded of all his amazing qualities and how awesome of a father he is. My kids are so lucky and blessed to have him. He is so neat and just loves his babies. Vivi has stolen his heart and Jr. has made his chest puff out further than it already did. We are settling in to this whole parenting thing. Somedays I get depressed, but this time I remind myself that I am a daughter of the Most High King (John 1:12) and I put on my crown. I also take it to Him (God) or I read His Word and let Him speak to me - so far, that has been the most effective in getting me out of the slumps. So we'll keep trecking along - knowing we are the luckiest parents in the world to have two such amazing and beautiful children.

Living Loved and Blessed,
Mindy

The More I Seek You...

2010-08-02T18:35:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday, Sid, Vivi, and I sat in the second to last row because we saw one of my cousins who had come alone. It was actually quite nice to be able to stand back and take in the sight of watching the congregation worship together. Surprisingly, it's much different than when I sing on stage and see people face to face.

As Sarah was singing "The More I Seek You," Vivi decided that she wanted a bottle and she wanted me to hold it. At first I was a little bummed because I really wanted to stand and worship to that song, as it was the first time that it was sung at our church. But as I sat there, feeding her and staring at the backs of those during prayer time, I just absorbed the beautiful music and amazing talent that Sarah blessed us with. Later on that day, and into the evening I really started to feel the impact of what happened in that moment. I realized that I don't need to be standing and worshiping in order to feel God's presence. As a matter of fact, it seems that I experience God's presence more in the everyday, mundane tasks of my day.

Something that Holy Spirit has been teaching me since Summer 2009 is that God can be found anywhere and everywhere...if I am looking - seeking. When I was pregnant with Vivi, I had come to the conclusion that I had missed the purpose that God had for me because of disobedience and trying to do things my own way. I didn't view it as a punishment because I knew that my God was not like that. I just figured that this was my future now. Little did I realize at the time, that I was about to embark on one of the GREATEST callings that any human being could ever be given: Motherhood.

Someday, when I muster up the courage to share a glimpse of my uglyside to the world and the many people that know me, I will write about what happened the summer of
2009. Let's just say that it wasn't pretty and that I got to meet Satan's demons head on. I've always believed the scriptures about dark forces and principalities and authorities in the spiritual realm, but I never really took the scripture, John 10:10a seriously - "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;" Holy Spirit allowed the scales to fall off of my eyes and I saw, for the first time, my enemy, face to face, and he was out for blood. If I had not cried out to God and sought deliverance from the pit I was in, I believe he would have destroyed me. Worst than that, he would have destroyed my little girl, because that is who he was after. But that is for another time.

Praise God, that He can ALWAYS bring good (Romans 8:28) out of anything that Satan intended for my and Vivi's harm. After that experience I realized that I had to cling to the feet of Jesus everyday for dear life. Over the past year, Holy Spirit has shown my how HUGE my job as a mother to Vivi and wife to Sid was. Unlike times in the past, when I've come to some huge revelation I've always felt that I needed to share it in some ministry or another. This time, I was silent. I was humbled, fragile, and very ashamed. Holy Spirit showed me that it was never Father's intent for me to go before Him, without being called, to share anything with anyone. It wasn't my time, nor was it my calling. These experiences of going before Him always led to stress, burn-out, and fatigue. And that is how you know your "works" for the ministry of Christ are not of the Spirit. For if the Fruits of the Spirit are not there, then neither is the Spirit.

The best lesson I've learned and am still learning, is that my ministry, right now, is in my home. I have a beautiful baby girl, well toddler, but she's my baby, and another baby - a little boy on the way to nurture and grow up in the eyes and will of God. That is the hugest job I have ever been given, and the most humbling. I am honored that after what I went through last summer that Father would DARE trust me with another one of his most cherished possessions - a baby boy. Furthermore, I have a husband who is the most amazing man in the world and he deserves all of me!

So did sitting in the back of church, feeding my baby girl, while Sarah was singing "The More I Seek You" really prompt me to think of all of this? I guess so. The more I seek Father in the everyday, in motherhood, in being a wife - the more I find Him. He is Merciful and Amazing! I serve an awesome God who gave me the best job on earth - A Mother and a wife!

Last pix as an only child

2010-07-29T14:33:00.000-07:00

I took Vivi today to get some pictures taken. We have a plethora of pictures of her but this was only her second time to have them taken professionally. I just really wanted some fun pix of her with the blank background - she is such a cutie:)

I think that this one is a favorite - she just loves flowers!

I love the sweet innocence on her face - reminds me of being a child. I wish that we could stay this way, unfortunately, life takes hold and as we get older we lose this innocence. Sadness. I can't wait until the day that we return home to be with our Savior and our King where we can all come to Him as children!

These pictures crack me up because they are classic Mindy smiles, especially the one with the black background. When I was shy, I would smile with my lips closed cause I was too embarrassed to smile showing my teeth. My older sister and cousin Mandi love to remind me of that smile every now and then *giggles*.

It really doesn't take much to get this girl clapping. She claps after prayer, when we're at church and praising God, or when lively music is on - her current favorite is Chris Tomlin, more specifically, Our God - the live version on the Passion: Awakening CD.
This child acts like she is so shy when she first meets you but once you get her going she won't stop. She loves cameras, loves to say cheese, and LOVES to take pictures of herself with Daddy's iPhone. Too funny!

Give her a flower and she'll smell it and make up flavors - even when it has no smell at all:)

I never expected motherhood to be as fun, exciting, exhasusting, rewarding, challenging, and amazing as it has been! When I look at this face the world makes sense to me. When I'm not with her, I miss her. Even when I've only been away on an hour trip to Target and left her home with Daddy. It is amazing what motherhood does to you!

I would have prefered not having a picture in here of me at all but I decided to look past my vanity and pride and take a pic with her. We did a good job of hiding my 8 month large belly, so now I just look like I am naturally swollen:) Ha ha! It's ok because it was so worth it. We had a blast and I'm glad that I got to do this before my I would no longer be able to give Vivi my undivided attention.

A little monkey

2010-07-28T23:24:00.000-07:00

So if you haven't figured out from the picture in the banner, we are expecting baby #2 *cheers*!

We are having a baby boy. I'm pretty excited about having one girl and one boy - blessings do abound!

I haven't kept up with my blog lately, much has been going on...like trying to keep up with a toddler:) But I will update in the coming days:)

Here are some pics of the little monkey:)

Houston Snow!

2009-12-05T21:58:00.000-08:00

First the first time in Houston, Texas history, it snowed on December 4, 2009:) YAY! It was so fun and exciting! Even better was the fact that I had a photoshoot for Vivi scheduled so we got to take pictures in the snow all dressed up in her cute snow gear:) Quite a rarity here in Houston:) Here is a pic of Vivi just as she was dressed to go:

Then we took this pic as we went outside before we left:

I will post more cute pix as I get them:) Be prepared - they are TOO CUTE!!!

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Christmas season and that you don't forget that Jesus is the Reason for the Season:)

Blessings & Love,
Mindy

"That Mother"

2009-12-01T19:48:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been on a plane that had a child that seemed impossible to please and they weren't afraid to let everyone on the plane know it? There always seems to be at least one, sometimes more. You think to yourself about the mother (never the father I might add), "Come on lady, feed your child," or "Good grief, give that child some Benadryl so they can go to sleep," or better still, "If I had my hands on that child I would beat his/her butt"??? Ever? Anyone? I know I've been guilty a few times or so.

As you sit and listen to ear piercing screams there is nothing you'd like more than to take a sock and shove it in the kids mouth, or give the mother a piece of your mind for not controlling her child better. Ha! is there such a thing?

By the end of the flight, everyone is standing, gripping their bags, waiting ever-so-patiently for the line to start moving and you can see the mother of that well-sung toddler quickly putting all their stuff together, keeping her head down, and trying anything and everything she can to keep her child from getting upset once again. Ahhh....too late. Silence was bliss for only a minute before the screaming begins again. Immediately you hear a soft grumble make its way down the aisle as everyone expresses their disappointment.

I always hated those plane rides and that is why I always brought ear plugs with me. I never understood why a mother couldn't control her child, all the while feeling sorry for the father for having to put up with it. I always told myself that I would never let that happen, that I would never be that mother. Well, today I can eat my thoughts and words, because today on our flight home from Florida, I became "that mother," and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.

To Vivi's defense, she has some sort of sinus infection or head cold and her ears were hurting her badly. It wasn't her fault or my fault - it was her dad's:) HAHAHA! J/K! It wasn't anyones fault. She was great on the way to Florida but unfortunately that didn't happen on this trip home.

So to all the mother's out there that I have ever given a dirty look to when your child was acting out: I AM SORRY!!!!!!!

It really does take a mother to know one!

Blessings:)
Mindy

Girls Reflecting Glory Conference 2009

2009-11-18T21:55:00.001-08:00

Last weekend I had the blessing of being on the Praise Team at the GRG Conference at First Colony Church of Christ. What an amazing time that I had. What was most rewarding was the Monday nights leading up to the conference where I got to know Vanessa and Katie, Sarah and Rebecca, and my carbon copy Mollie on a much more deeper and spiritual level. What a true blessing and divine appointment.

After sitting through the first session with Shannon Ethrigde it became very apparent to me and Mollie that God ordained this conference just for us:) What a special feeling that was! Obviously, we know that is not true, however, we know that God specifically chose us to sing on the praise team so that we could hear the message that Shannon was going to speak over us. Funny that Beth Moore has been speaking on the subject of the Bride of Christ preparing herself for her BrideGroom to return. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm....I don't know about you, but I'm ready for a Feast and I am ready to sit at His feet for eternity. I'm told it will be like now except there will be no more tears, pain, or sorrow. But we will have jobs and daily duties and living. I hope that my daily duty is to wash the feet of my Bridegroom with my tears of joy. Let it be, LORD, for I am not worthy of anything more! PRAISE HIM!!!

Ok, got sidetracked, sorry. Anyways, I wanted to share some pix. Hopefully there will be more to come when Mollie decides to post hers:) Ahhh...dissed:)

Left to Right: Katie, Me, Shannon Ethridge, & Vanessa.

Left to Right: Katie, Me, Shannon Ethridge, Vannesa, and Mollie.

Left to Right: Katie, Sarah, Mollie, Vanessa, and Me.

And here is the tail end of an awesome drama done by some of our youth group girls:)

I was truly blessed and felt "Truly Loved" this weekend! Thank You God!

Joy Restored

2009-11-17T22:03:00.001-08:00

Sometime back in February I started to experience a bit of postpartum depression. Sadly, I didn't really realize it until I was full blown into a depression; I was sinking further by the day.

Slowly I began to change. The once loving, attentive, and ever patient mommy that Vivi knew was slowly disappearing into a shell of what we can call my lanky and blemished skinned body. I was becoming lifeless, all the while a silent rage began to increase. At first I could hide it. Only Vivi saw small glimpses of it when no one else was around. However, by June I could not longer hide it. I didn't understand it, my mom didn't understand it, Sid didn't understand it, and least of all did Vivi understand or even know what was happening to the mother she once knew. It is true that whatever is inside your heart will come out of your mouth.
I finally decided that if I was going to be the mother that I wanted to be that I would have to make some serious changes - right then and there. I knew what needed to change; I knew all along. I knew what was missing and what had been slowly fading away in me over the past few years: my relationship with God. Anyone who knows me knows that the only time I am pleasant to be around is when I am in a CLOSE relationship with God.

For the past few years I've looked at myself in the mirror and each day was becoming harder and harder to see myself. It wasn't until a few months ago that I could finally see what was missing: God, the joy only He can bring, peace, all the Fruits of the Spirit - GONE. And it broke me. I couldn't believe that after I had "tasted and seen that the LORD was good" that I could be so far away once again. But as I came to read and receive the words in the Psalms, "He who digs and hole and scoops it out falls into the pit he has made," I realized that I had jumped back into the pit where I let the enemy make me believe was where I belonged.

So I started to look for a particular book that I had heard about that I thought could be of some help but to my surprise I couldn't find it anywhere. Each time I went looking for the book, I would come across the book "Get Out of that Pit" by Beth Moore. This happened a couple of times, and then I saw the same book (except in hard back) staring up at me at my mother's house. I think the wheels started turning. A few days later, I was looking for a book in my home library when all of a sudden that book came to mind and I started to look for it in my home as if I had owned it. I thought for sure that I did, but now I realize that I thought that because it had become so familiar to me just by seeing it almost everywhere I went. I also realized that God was leading me to that book. Let me tell you, some changes happened in a weekend that I can only describe as a spiritual attack on me, my child, and my home. But Jesus delivered me and I was redeemed. Someday I will elaborate. But for now I will wait.

I began praying for God to bring to me friends that were Godly Christian women - not perfect women, just those pursuing God as hard as I wanted to pursue Him again. Wouldn't you know it - HE BLESSED ME with some amazing girls, one of whom could very well be me in a different body. Mollie, Katie, and Vanessa have become a foundation in which I want to build all my relationships. I am so thankful for them.

Through His Word, many songs of praise, lots of prayer, and many tears I have found my way back...better yet, I opened my eyes to my God that was always there, waiting for me to let Him back in. Praise Him for His Patience!!!

So here is my journey back to joy, sanity, contentness, and fullness in Christ. Call me crazy, but this is the ONLY way that I can live. "For me, To Live is Christ, and to die is gain."

So join me on my journey of becoming the woman that God intended me to be, and becoming the mommy that Vivian deserves!

A Previous Pitdweller,
Mindy, Vivi's Mommy

I take it all back....

2009-07-07T09:25:00.000-07:00

I take it all back. Everything I said about wanting Vivi to be more independent so that I could get more done. What on earth is more important, or fun, than laying around with my beautiful baby girl and laughing at every new thing that she tries? I wanted her teeth to come in so that we could see the fruits of her painful labor from teething, but I didn't think about the fact that once they did there would never again be a toothless grin:( Her bottom two front teeth are in and they are so adorable and she has such a beautiful smile. But it's one more reminder that she is growing up and soon her mouth will be full of teeth. Toothless grins will be lost in photobooks and memories. Oh the sadness and pain I feel tugging at my heart.

Yesterday, I walked in my bathroom only to turn around and see Vivi behind me, slowing inching her way closer to me. When on earth did she learn how to crawl? She'd been slowly preparing, but it was the first time she ventured out to make sure that she stayed close to me. Another pang pulls at my heart!

Today she is 9 months old and I just cannot believe that 9 months ago, at this time, 11:36 am, I was being admitted to the hospital because I was apparently in active labor (but I didn't know it). 9 mo. old I shed tears as my doctor told me that we would be having a baby...today. I was suddenly scared. I'd waited 9 months for this day and when it was finally here I wasn't so sure about it. Not because I wasn't sure about being a mother, I was scared of labor. The labor turned out to be a breeze. Everything did - labor, recovery, breastfeeding, Vivi. She is the most perfect baby in the world. She ONLY cries if her needs are not met. While she can sometimes be demanding, she is never unmanageable. I ask God why He gave me such an easy baby and the only thing I can think of is because He wants to ensure that I'll have another.

9 months in the womb and now 9 months out. Sometimes I wish I could put her back in me and keep her only for myself. I want to protect her from the world, because little by little, as she grows older each day, she is moving away from me. And someday I will have to let her go. Another pang at my heart.

Nothing prepared me for the pain and vulnerability that motherhood would bring. My heart has been taken and it will never be returned. But I don't want it back either. It belongs to her.

When she sleeps...

2009-06-18T07:24:00.000-07:00

The other morning, I woke up at 6:30 am to find Vivi still sleeping on me, her head on my left shoulder. I was surprised because I remembered picking her up at 2:30 am when she started to stir. She didn't want to be fed, just held. So held her I did - for 4 hours! Neither she nor I were new at this, for this is where and how she and I slept the first 3-4 months of her life.

I remember one morning waking up especially sore in my lower back muscles and thinking that 12 lbs was a lot to be bearing down on me. Little did I know that 4 months later and an additional 11.5 lbs, I'd still be able to do it. She is now long and lean, weighing in at 23 1/2 lbs. Surprisingly, I wasn't sore when I awoke.

I didn't realize how much I missed sleeping this way until I got to do it again and it was so sweet to wake up with her cotton cheek against mine. Somedays I wish that she'd stay this way forever. I could wake up to that adorable smiling face everyday for the rest of my life and it would be complete. Even after a hard night where she has been restless and kept me up, as soon as I watch her sleep all is forgotten. Seeing her sleep covers a multitude of sins:) I now understand why God still insists of His love for me after all of my shennanigans:)

Her body is getting longer and heavier, and she is more restless when I hold her for sleep, and someday she'll be too big for me to hold safely in my arms, but she will always be my little girl. I pray that she will always let me take her in my arms and hold her for awhile - cheek upon cheek.

Lack of sleep

2009-06-16T20:36:00.000-07:00

My hardest days with her
are better than my best days
without her

Hormones please!

2009-06-08T18:02:00.000-07:00

On Friday I could feel it starting to creep in. But I kept a straight face. I kept a happy face because really, I was happy. Saturday morning it was stronger still but I refused to give in and the mask shone ever stronger. By Sunday I really just couldn't get out of bed, nor did I want to. I was a little bummed because we wanted to go to church but it didn't happen. Vivi was restless all night so my sleep never went deep enough to provide any real nourishment to my sleep-deprived brain.

Sunday was a good day because we went to see family to celebrate my cousin's graduation from high school but Vivi was tired after that. We all were. We all had a nap, of course, Vivi's was the longest. I am jealous. I would have stayed down if I could but something woke me up; and then I was awake. I usually don't encourage Vivi to take late naps (after 6:30 p.m.) but she went down at 5:45 p.m. and didn't get up until 7:30p.m. I knew that we may be in for a late night and I was right.

By 11p.m. Vivi was ready to go to bed but one caveat - she didn't want to be put down. After holding her for quite some time she went down for a little bit but eventually woke up to be held. Sid rocked her for a long while and then got her to sleep. She ended up waking up throughout the night to be held so Sid and I just took turns. By 7a.m. I was ready to put her up for adoption (JUST KIDDING!), but I was sluggish.

I eventually got it together and Vivi and I had a great day. But I still feel "it" looming and I hope to feel better tomorrow..or the next day:)

Surrendering

2009-06-01T17:50:00.000-07:00

The past few months have been a little difficult for me and I think that I finally figured out why. Right around Vivi's 4th month birthday I started feeling anxious and down but mostly anxious. Over the next few months I started to be angry. Angry at anything and I didn't really know why. It wasn't directed at anyone, I was just angry - angry for being angry. A few weeks ago, I started thinking hard about the past few months and trying to figure out what on earth was going on because I had to get ahold on it because if I didn't then Vivi would eventually start to notice and I wouldn't be able to hide it anymore. I've thought that it was many things, like hormones, bad diet, medication, and eventually I came to the conclusion that I must be clinically depressed. It did seem funny that I seemed to have a meltdown on or around the 15th of the month every month since February, which led my mom and I to believe that it was hormones.

I've come to the conclusion that my anxiety, anger, and depression might be a combination of it all. Because of breastfeeding, I've yet to restart my cycle so that definitely means that my hormones are out of kilter. Additionally, I have been clinically depressed off and on since I was first diagnosed it at 14 or 15 years old and have also been on and off medications. When I found out I was pregnant, I was on Welbutrin (depression & curbed addictive behavior), Buspar (anxiety), Lyrica (Sciata - nerve stabilizer, but affects the CNS), Vyvanse (ADHD). Let me tell you, it was not fun the first few weeks off all the meds. However, I haven't picked the meds back up since Viv's appearance, so that could be a contributor in my ups and downs.

Lastly, I don't think that I had quite come to terms with my new all-time job as Mommy and still fretted when I didn't get laundry or basic housework done. Therefore, I'd get stressed out simply for not having any time to myself. The sad thing was, when I actually did get a break, I didn't know what to do with my time and just wanted to be back with Vivi. So I was definitely conflicted.

The past week and half ago, I read something to profound that I think it completely changed my way of thinking. 1) One Author/Mommy wrote that many women try to find their balance after they have their kids to try and get back on track but find that it is almost impossible and wind up feeling defeated, down, and depressed. Her point is that there is no longer a balance. Kids spin your life out of balance and it stays out of balance right up until they leave home, and that is ok. 2) Another Author/Mommy wrote, "You need to surrender to your Higher Power - your children." (It's a joke people so don't think that she's saying your children replace God). Her point is that you need to surrender to the needs, wants, and desires of your baby - just go with the flow because you will never get that time back. I can always clean, write, shop, go back to work, go back to school, but I will never be able to go back to when Vivi was a baby.

So...how has this past week been for me? AWESOME! I had the best week with Vivi and barely even asked Sid to give me an hour break each night when he returned home. I was attached to Viv and she was attached to me. I am rolling with the punches and if I don't get done what I wanted to do that day, I don't care because at least I got to do what was most important...hang out with Vivi and be her mommy. It also has made me a happier wife. When I am happy, Sid is happier.

So here I am....surrendered. I hope that this week will be as good as the last. I am cautious about the coming 15th, but at least I am prepared. If the ups and downs come, then I know that it's hormones and I will just take it as it comes:)

Mommy Wars

2009-05-24T07:47:00.001-07:00

I've been reading a lot of Mommy/Parenting comedies lately and have stumbled I have stumbled onto "Mommy Wars." It's a collection of essays written by women who are stay-at-home-moms (SAHM), Working Moms (WM), and some/most that have done both. I'm not sure what I think about it as a whole yet. Some of the essays are great and some while great, are a little too opinionated for me.

Apparently, there is this whole mommy war going on between women who choose to stay home and raise their kids and women who choose to return to work. I'm not too sure about it here in Houston, Texas, but apparently in places like New York, California, and Washington D.C. the wars are alive and well. SAHM's are not looked highly upon because in these places, if you can't add a dollar sign to your work then it is meaningless. I just find that interesting. What about the money one saves by not choosing to work? Let's see....$1600-$2000 a month in childcare, $100-$400 in gas money plus wear/tear on car transiting to and from work. So, just taking into consideration these two expenses, you're saving bewteen $1700-$2400 a month. So basically, you're making that and able to use it on something else. But let me guess, in NY, CA, and D.C. that is just beans. Well, here in Houston, it's not beans!

Despite all that, regardless of what anyone thinks, I don't care. It is my own personal choice to stay home and really is no one elses business. I think it's sad that people, moms, judge one another and I really think that it's based on their own insecurities. Because really, why else do people judge one another? I am happy staying at home because it is what suits me, for now. I am happy that there are many WM's out there in the workforce. We need women in workforce as much as we need them at home. How else would women/mothers have a voice if we all took to our homes when it was time to have children? They wouldn't. Furthermore, some women are better off staying home because they function better this way and some are better in the workforce because it makes them a better mom when they are at home. No matter what, it is each woman's own personal choice to decide whether she works or stays home and other people, expecially other moms should refrain from their judgments.

Whoever said cats were low-maintenance never met mine.

2009-05-22T18:26:00.000-07:00

I have two cats - An obese cat and a bulimic cat. An American Shorthair (or mutt) named Newt and a siamese that we will call Meow Meow. Her official name is Samarai but come on seriously? I don't know what I was thinking or not thinking at the time that I adopted her from the SPCA. Yes, I got a beautiful siamese cat from the SPCA. She also had a brother whom I chose not to adopt as well but to this day regret it...but only a little. Truth is, I couldn't figure out what to name her; I loved calling her anything that came to mind (i.e. Pwincess, Meowmer, Meow Meow, Little One, Psycho...etc.).

Anyways, had I know that Siamese cats were big talkers, I might have reconsidered my adoption, but I didn't and it wasn't long until I figured this out on my own. The drive home, Meow Meow thought it only appropriate to ride home on my left shoulder as I drove home. Keep in mind, she probably weighed 500 grams (or is in mg's? can't remember). So there she rode, on my shoulder, digging her claws in for dear life.

That night, I felt like I had just brought my newborn baby home and now, after having experienced that as well, I can honestly say that bringing Vivi home that first night was easier than bringing Meow Meow home. Why? Constant meowing. In the bed with me, on the floor, locked in the bathroom. The darn cat just wouldn't shut up. The next morning, it continued, and after 9 years, she meows on.

Anyways, I love it when people say that dogs are more high-maintenance than cats. I have to say that I disagree. However, I am starting to think that maybe there is something wrong with my animal parenting because all three of my animals (2 cats and 1 dog) all seem to be a little neurotic. Especially when it comes to food. Sushi (Japanese Chin Dog) wants their food, they want his food, etc.

Newt, is a dwarf cat and was the runt in her litter so when she gains weight she looks huge. But she is so adorable! She looks like Jabba The Hut from Stars Wars - big body, eyes and all:) Quite frankly, I like her that way and think she is way cuter fat than skinny. But the Vets tell me it's not healthy for her so we've been on so many diets. Let me tell ya...diets do not work for her. When she is on a diet, she gains weight. I honestly think it's from the anxiety of 1) not liking the diet food and 2) being hungry all the time. Now, before you tell me that I need to stop feeding her junk food like Meow Mix, let me tell you what I feed her - ORGANIC RAW MEAT! I buy it frozen. It is the healthiest you can get because it is not processed in any way and contains no preservatives. Her weight still prevails and at this point I've realized that she is happy with her weight. So I am happy with her weight. I no longer put her on a diet.

Meow Meow is a different story. This darn cat is so high maintenance and neurotic and she drives me absolutely crazy! I have to change her food often because once she decides that she doesn't like it, she begins puking it all over the house. Her favorite place is on my rugs. How nice. She seems to love to throw up and sometimes tries to eat all of Newt's food first and then her own so that she fills herself up so much that she throws up. She is bulimic. Unfortunately, she also likes to eat a little at a time and then come back later for more, which is best because it helps her to not throw up. However, now that we have Sushi, whatever is left, he likes to eat up. So annoying. So she likes to enter the kitchen everytime that I enter to meow for more food. I am so over it.

So there you have it. Two spoiled rotten kitties that have blessed my life for the past 9 and 10 years. Newt was born 10 years ago this Memorial Day and I have had Meow Meow since my 21st b-day. Regardless of their neuroses, they are both the sweetest cats and I love them dearly. I couldn't imagine my life without them; but they are anything but low-maintenance.

So why am I writing about my obsese cat and bulimic cat? Who knows. We came to the Lakehouse for some R&R this Memorial Day weekend and brought along a cold that my lovely younger sister gave to me and Viv. We're not happy about it. So instead of the lake, instead of the kiddie pool, instead of our ritual trip to Walmart to shop for things we don't need, I sit here writing about my neurotic cats. Go figure!!!

When I get home I'll post their adorable pics!!
Mindy

4 am wake-up calls

2009-05-15T10:34:00.001-07:00

This morning, at 3:55 am Vivian woke up again, like clockwork, and didn't want to be fed or put back to sleep. She wanted to play and after dealing with this all week what did I do? Picked up my pillow, told Sid he could deal with it, and went upstairs to sleep in one of the guest bedrooms. I felt somewhat bad, but not that much because I immediately fell asleep upstairs. He gets up at 5am anyways, so 4am was nothing for him. Besides, he successfully got her back to sleep by 5am, woke me up to go back down there, got ready for work, and made it to his 8am meeting. Surpisingly, she then let us sleep until 8:30am. If I had my wish, we would still be sleeping, but hey, I am up for a compromise.

Thus far, we've played in her play circle, played upstairs in her activity center, played on the bed, nursed, played more on the bed, got bored on the bed, played in her play circle, ate gooey oatmeal with cinnamon apple (that I started to get mad at because it was too gooey), tried to nurse but she was not interested - so no nap, and now she is in her walker trying to figure out a way to grab Sushi. Sound like fun? Loads - but after doing it 4 days this week - I'm ready to pull my hair out. Maybe the getting mad at food was an indicator.

If I could get her to take a nap then maybe I could get dressed and put some make-up on. Usually I can do this with her awake and occupied, but this week she wants constant interaction and doesn't like it if my back is turned away for a moment. As if I couldn't come back to those chubby little cheeks!

I know that Sid is worried about me. He thinks I'm not happy and that is not it at all. I am bored and unstimulated and majorly lacking in some really good sleep. I could get a job and put her butt in mother's day out or daycare and to that I say - HELL NO!!! I don't trust anyone with Vivi! So there is my problem! I've watched too much CSI, Law and Order, Nancy Grace, and movies that love to glorify women and children being taken advantage of and oppressed. Sad isn't it. So it's my fault! I have filled up my mind with all the worries of the world and now I get to pay for it.

I just tell myself that someday she will thank me for spending all my time with her and protecting her and loving her. That is if I don't drive her crazy along the way:)

Fact is, I can complain, mope, be upset, and angry all I want but I will have to learn how to deal with it - and I am...slowly...one non-alcoholic beer at a time;(

At this moment, she is whining to me and stomping her little feet to let me know that she wants out of her walker and in my arms. Luckily, she doesn't really cry - she just whines, stomps her feet, and the minute I get up to come to her she smiles. She knows she has me around her little fingers and I have to admit, I do love it:) So I'm off to rescue her from her walker to see what adventure we can get into next:)

Blessings:)
Mindy

"Perfecting how to put a game face on"

2009-05-13T11:26:00.001-07:00

The title is a line from a Blue October song but it seems fitting.

I look around at all the mothers I know with young children and they seem to have it together. They make being a mother look like an easy job even when thy themselves admit that being a mom is hard. I know that a lot of people look at me and how well Vivian acts and how well we are together and they think that I've got it all together. I've read so many parenting books, decided which parenting style I'd follow, decided on how I would raise my children and for the most part it's great. But sometimes I can't help but feel a little down, like the past few weeks for me, and I've finally realized that I don't have to be ashamed for feeling this way. Seven months ago a little bomb exploded in my life and I've been picking up the pieces ever since.

These days it seems like it's Groundhog Day every day and I find myself becoming more and more bummed. Please do not misunderstand me. While I've given up everything I've worked so hard for to be a SAHM to Vivi, it all meant nothing to me and always left me empty and searching for something more. So I do not regret the decision that I have made and I am very thankful that I am able to stay home with her. It's just really a lot to adjust to and I think that it took 6-7 months for it to finally sink in and hit me. This is my life. This will be my life for the next 18 years (more if we have more children). In my heart I am ok with it. It's just that my head needs to catch up.

I get a little frustrated sometimes that I always have to put Vivi to bed, usually starting at 8:30pm. She likes to nurse down and sometimes this takes 1-1.5 hours. Dr. Sears sure made it sound like this way of putting your baby to sleep will help them know that entering sleep is a calm and safe place to be. However, it seems that so many times Vivi now fights going to sleep. I don't do the cry-it-out method so don't even comment me to suggest it. Now she is teething (has been for 4 months and still no teeth) and this has made it harder for her to want to enter sleep. Furthermore, she likes to bite, and she bites hard with just her gums! Some nights, like tonight, I just want to throw my hands up and quit or go on strike.

I think right now I feel so alone because I am no longer Mindy, I am the one who has the baby. Rarely am I asked how I am doing, it's all about the baby. And people suddenly don't know what to talk about with you anymore unless it's about baby stuff. I wanna say, "Remember me? I have a college degree, play music, have done lots of research, read lots of books in the past 7 months." and "I still watch The Hills and now The City and so many other shows." There are so many things that we can talk about. But no. I guess I just need to adjust.

I also know that the hormones are still trying to adjust in me and won't fully adjust until after I quit nursing. So my skin is completely destroyed from all the hormones in pregnancy and afterwards and my hair is shedding in mass quantities. I could have made my own wig with all that has fallen out in the past month. What gets me is that it is still so thick that it is hard to get shampoo and conditioner out of my hair and I look like I have a lions' mane. Go figure.

I know that all of us mommies are so hard on ourselves and on each other and we're too afraid to share with others how we are really feeling. Well, I don't want to pretend that everything is perfect all the time because it's not. As my bio states, I am prone to depression and anxiety and most of the time my husband is standing by for another breakdown. There is a reason that on our wedding day my pastor read aloud what Sid had said about me, "She's a flower in a tornado, going this way and that way and you never know where she'll next but she always leaves you spinning." I sure am glad that he knew what he was getting into.

Anyways, please tell me that I am not the only one that goes through this! Tell me it's ok to want to "leave in a getaway car with no brakes and no plates" and drive off into the sunset.

Blessings,
Mindy

Dear God, thank you for Vivi's activity center:)

2009-05-13T11:24:00.000-07:00

I just love watching Vivi play in her activity center! She just bounces up and down as high as possible and sometimes I'm afraid that she is going to pop right out of it! She's finally learned how to turn around in it so that she can enjoy the view from many different angles.

It's so nice to have something entertain her for a bit. Somedays she is so demanding and wants all my attention and that tends to happen on the days when I am feeling less than pleaseant:( Which isn't too often, but it's usually after a night of her waking her father and I up at 4 am to play. I refuse to indulge in this behavior any longer. Think she'd understand if I walked around in circles in my living room with a picket sign protesting my feelings about the early morning wakings? Probably not!

Anyways, Vivi likes to put both hands on the back of her head like she is posing and bounces. It is really funny! We have figured out that she is going to be a hair twirler like me and my mom because she is constantly looking for hair to pull on when she is frustrated or hair to twirl when she feeds. I love it when my characteristics show up in her....at least some of them.

So again God, thank you for Vivi's activity center! I don't know what I would do without it!

Blessings:)
Mindy

My first official Mother's Day:)

2009-05-13T11:23:00.000-07:00

I never realized that when I would become a mother that I would take the job as serious as I have. I knew the moment that I was pregnant that my life was going to change in a much more drastic way than I would expect.

The moment I knew that I was pregnant I knew that I no longer wanted to work at my current job nor did I want to continue on in the path of substance abuse counseling. It always brought me down and was a constant reminder to myself of all my own blemishes and past mistakes. No, having this new creature come into my life made me realize that I no longer wanted to take home other people's problems. I was still dealing with my own baggage and if I wanted to be a good mom then I was going to have to start working on my own past.

Several weeks after learning that we were expecting I quit my job and began enjoying life. Well, as much as one can enjoy growing larger and experiencing all the weird changes that one undergoes when a parasite is growing within:)

As the months passed I started to wonder if I would want to go back to work or if I would stay home. I knew that I wanted to stay home, but by the 8th month I was getting antsy awaiting Vivian's arrival and started to make plans with several headhunters and past colleagues about returning 3 months after she came. And then she was born...

The old me no longer existed and everything I ever was got lost in the eyes of this beautiful little creature that I held in my arms. I've never felt anything so intense in my life and I knew that there was NO WAY that I would let another person raise my child (God willing). Thus I decided, I would not be returning to work. I have been at peace with that decision ever since.

For me, life began the moment that I learned about Vivian (Feb 13, 2008 at 8:30 pm), and I became alive the moment she was born at 7:47 pm that stormy October night. She was the answer to so many dreams that I had been searching for...longing for...yearning for.

So here we are, 7 months, 3 days, 4 hours, and 6 mins later and I have the greatest job in the world! I never thought I'd enjoy changing the diapers of my boss who likes to wake me up several times a night to tug at my breasts. What more could a girl want? To spend a lifetime being mommy to my precious baby girl. May she always be my little girl!

I hope all my mom and mommie-to-be friends had a great Mother's Day!

Blessings:)
Mindy

March 2009

2009-05-13T10:18:00.000-07:00

March 11, 2009

Am I the only new parent that can’t wait for her child to start crawling, sitting completely on her own, and eventually walking? So many people say to me, “Don’t you just wish they’d stay a baby forever?” I retort, “Are you out of your mind? Have you seen how heavy she is for five months?” At least in my mind I do. Instead, I smile and say, “Why yes, I could just hold her forever.” Now don’t get me wrong. Many days I do feel that way, especially when I am nursing her at night and we’re close and snuggly. But the reality is, I need some kind of independence.
Vivian, my five month old, is so high maintenance and she wants to be held constantly. She could care less about her swing, her floor play gym, any of her toys, her Bumbo, and she will only sit in her activity center for about 20 min MAX (that is on a good day). This doesn’t mean I walk away. I just need to not have to be “ON” and holding her constantly. I stay with her and watch her in each of her little play grounds and quite frankly, it’s a lot of fun watching her discover things and play.
Ok, she just woke up from a 40 minute nap so….mommy to the rescue!
Ciao,
Mindy

March 5, 2009
There something therapeutic about singing at the top of my lungs Tori Amos’ music. It’s been quite awhile since I’ve had the chance to do that simple activity. Vivi is still asleep…er…back to sleep after awaking at 6 a.m. and wanting to play. So as I sit here in my office, singing Baker Baker is quite cathartic. It takes me back to a time when I was single, childless, searching, and empty. My how time has changed.
Anyways, I have a book in my head. Maybe two, maybe three and I’ve been trying to mentally organize but to no avail. Hmmm…let’s see…what do I want to write about? My research on parenting styles and personal experience; substance abuse; self-help; autobiography; relationships; men; wow! Guess I have some work to do. However, that will have to wait cause Vivi calls:) and I always answer her promptly!
Ciao:)
Mindy

February 2009

2009-05-13T10:16:00.000-07:00

February 3, 2009
Repressed memories and parenting thoughts.

I have fond memories of being a kid. The problem is that they are hidden amongst the many repressed bad memories that have to be retrieved. Lately, I find my self slowly remembering things and I don’t know if it’s from all the time I spend with my daughter (now almost 4 mo. old). Obviously, I am not remembering memories from when I was that age, though I am sure that those were good ones. No, these are memories from I guess 3-14 years and 18-23 years. These seemed to have been bad times for me, filled with too many unwanted memories and not enough good times; these are coming back. I have to believe that there were good times and every now and then I get a glimpse of those times.
I guess what seems to be pulling these memories out is the amount of parenting books that I have been reading lately as well as my daydreaming about being the perfect parent. As I read about all the things that parents should or shouldn’t do to their children (daughters to be exact), I realize that my parents had it all wrong and no wonder I am screwed up!
Now, this isn’t some plot to blame my parents for all my mistakes in life or to say if they hadn’t treated me better that my life might somehow be different. I like my life. Let me rephrase - I love my life and wouldn’t change a thing. I also love my parents dearly - all four of them - and know that they were just doing the best that they knew how to do. Afterall, in the late 1970’s and eary 1980’s there wasn’t all the research that there is today on parenting styles, child development and whatnot. However, let’s just say that my childhood was less than pleasant and in order to ensure that my daughter (children) don’t experience anything like it, I read, I research, and I read more.